Lack of Paragraphs

Due to reasons I have not evolved high enough to understand the preceding post is devoid of paragraphs...the blog just won't have it...why this is or how I stop it are currently beyond me, it has something to do with 'Html', at university I used to have nerds I could pay to solve this sort of embuggerance, but on this project I am flying solo....

I will try to make it better in the meantime please except this picture of my former home as an apology....

Britains Most stupid Creature

What is Britain's most stupid creature?

I give you the sheep... notice that with sheep you can have one sheep, four sheep or a flock of sheep, there is no plural because the the collective intelligence does not alter..

This is actually a silly question, Sheep are actually the stupidest creature whether that animal is in Britain or not. In a recently arranged international charity chess match organised by myself in Amsterdam (where else would one find the appropriate facilities and obtain a license), a snail comprehensively out-thought a Devon white face (seen above) who responded in an admittedly noble way by eating its own King and therefore forfeiting the match (the writing was on the wall after the snail had taken whites Queens Bishop).

The real reason that the sheep takes the proverbial idiots biscuit is this...all herd animals (on earth) when confronted by bad weather (wind, rain etc) walk into the wind, this means that although they face some short term discomfort eventually they will happen upon an obstacle, be it a wall or a bush, which will provide them some protection from the weather and serve as a rudimentary shelter -that's clever...that's what evolution ought to provide..

Sheep however, walk away from the wind, they try to escape (I have recently noticed this sheep like tendency in Prime Minister Gordon brown with regards to the economy...), this means that they too will eventually come up against an obstacle but in there case this then prevents them moving any further 'away' from the wind and they become trapped, and therefore victims...this is not clever..what is the evolutionary purpose behind this? Is the universe actually trying to rid itself of sheep...have we intervened without understanding the consequences of our actions..no wonder the ice caps are melting...

Below we have a demonstration of Men and Dogs (you can see the scorn on the dogs faces you really can) having to deal with the consequences of idiot sheep following a overnight snow, having followed the direction of the wind they ensured that they would find themselves in a snow drift from which they are unable to remove themselves..

Not only this but anyone who has ever driven on 'open moorland' will tell you that the sheep is entirely unaware of the dangers of the motorcar, this despite regularly watching other sheep pummelled underneath the wheels... also why do sheep 'flock' like birds instead of herd like other decent farm animals? Its a bloody disgrace!

There is however, recently arrived to Britain, another four legged animal which looks like it will be able to compete with the sheep in terms of stupidity, it is know simply as a Paris Hilton.

I have yet to see the reaction of this (admittedly tidy) beast when faced with foul weather and I am hoping to arrange a chess match against my 'Kasparov' snail...watch this space

Could this creature relive the sheep of its title?

Obama V The Hog

There has been quite a bit of talk in the press recently about this dude Obama and his recent election to the 'top job' in the states.

I have struggled to understand the level of fuss so far created, particularly since the man he replaced seemed to me - no more talented than a sheep in a snow drift.

What really interests me about this new most powerful man in the world is whether I could take him.

I reckon I could, rules would have to be established about the use of the secret service (I have no such back up, although I do have a couple of mentalist friends that might be persuaded to turn up), the location, somewhere neutral I reckon, I do not want this billed as US v UK this is strictly man-o-Mano (I thought Kenya to add a wee bit of spice - the dust up in the desert?)

Sure he will have some moves and appears to keep him self in shape but I doubt he has ever faced a windmilling idiot from Devonshire (I have googled to check) and he will therefore struggle tactically to nullify the volume and confused angles of my strikes. It could be argued that I have never faced a recently inaugurated President of the United States in a fist fight but that is the sort of argument I resolve by putting fingers in my ears and singing 'La La La La'.

He clearly works out but how will this body stand when being 'worked over'?

The Hog pictured here whilst training at a Yorkshire 'bootcamp'

Also there may have to be some basic fighting rules, I think the Ultimate Fighting Championship rules whilst good televisionally could prove undignified and for this reason I propose good old Queensbury rules, whilst not as dynamic as some of the fighting arts, they do establish and maintain a modicum of decorum throughout.

How about it then Obama? Or are you too busy.....

(like I have loads of free time)

10 minutes a day - leaf watching

This is the part of the year when new years resolutions loom large in peoples minds..

The problem with these normally is that peoples metaphorical eyes are bigger than their metaphorical bellies. My lads are masters at this, filling their bowls to the brim with milk at breakfast and then discovering that their little stomachs would stretch and then explode violently if they tried to drink it all, they then have to listen to my famous ' think about the kids in Africa' speech as I pour the milk away.

My speech does need some work however, the lads still have not worked out what avoiding lions and buffalo on the way to school and the current over production and corrupt subsidiary system of milk in the EU have to do with each other.

This is the way with resolutions...rather than saying to yourself I intend to run 25 miles a week, or learn a new language, I recommend opting for the 10 mins a day principle...

Anyone can mange to do 10 mins a day of anything (stand fast readers currently incarcerated in Americas ' Cuban Bay' Hotel facility and those addicted to cocaine). 10 mins running a day might not seem alot but that's 70mins a week...which works out at 3640mins a year...that's nigh on 61 hours of running, which even if you were only jogging could easily amount to the equivalent of about 12 marathons (which if you do the math is one a month). One marathon a month! That would be quite an achievement, but if your resolution was a marathon a month you would struggle to mentally deal with the enormity of the task.

To all you runners I accept there is a smidgen of a difference between running a marathon and running the parts of the marathon in bite sized chunks - but you get my meaning.

My resolution? Spend 10 mins of everyday looking at something natural whilst outside (leaf, plant, cloud, frost, dead squirrel etc).....its working out great!

There are quite a few 'other' things which lend themselves to a quick 10 mins a day, I will leave it to your imagination but I almost went with 'bouncing on a trampoline', listening to music upside down or toe picking whilst balanced on the side of the bath.

Incidentally if you do opt for the 10 mins outside looking resolution you should have in your back pocket an excuse, I have already been accosted by an old woman who demanded to know what was so interesting in her garden...I simply told her I was looking for my pet beetle which had been missing since the Epiphany, I gave a brief description made my excuses and ambled off (never run).

My beetle is the 'daddy' if you get my meaning.

Meerkats

I don't like Meerkats...there I have said it. A British Taboo has been broken live on the internet.

For some reason this great country of mine (just about hanging onto the 'great' by the fingernails - cheers Gordon) has decided that it likes Meerkats. It all started with a natural history programme entitled 'Meerkats united' , I did not like that show and I do not like the little ratty fle laden stars of it.

This is how the 'media' like to portray these rodents..

.

This picture is meant to be cute...these two males are passing regurgitated worms flesh between them, no doubt using their disgusting little rat tongues to assist...that's pretty frickin far from cute as far as I am concerned.

This is how your average Meerkat reacts to strangers..



Horrible, nasty little fella ain't he, and he's not merely a 'cat' as the name would suggest, these rancid over sized stoats operate in a gang which is why apparently we love them (this tendency towards being in a gang is also meant to be cute, funny how uncute gangs of football fans are though isn't it? ).

Cute?

I have scoured the internet trying to find a decent image of a Meerkat being slaughtered by a bird of prey to no avail...should anyone find one I would be very grateful.

I would like at this point to give out a big clubland style shout to the Eagle Owl and the Martial Eagle, both of these fearsome combinations of feathers and claw, tirelessly work the plains of Africa to keep the numbers of Meer-twats at a manageable level.

Now these boys are cool.....I mean really, compare to the rats above....

The Martial Eagle......

And the Eagle owl

Whoooooosssshhhhhh!

The real reason

So the real honest to goodness reason that my blogging collapsed?...I was going to say lack of internet access, as I was marooned in Ireland in a place called Limerick, sounds a jolly sort of place does it not? The place from which funny little poems hail, it is known locally however as 'Stab City'' and reminded me of a slightly rundown version of Woking but with cracking pubs rather than crack heads.

I was going to say this lack of access was the reason but this would be a lie..the real reason is I have evolved over time (started about 35 years ago) into a person with a tendency towards inaction, some call in laziness, some call it a considered approach, I think I must just fear rapid change (leaping up from the sofa is never a good idea in the world of the hog).

This tendency was even encouraged by my time within the military...I give you the principles of war...

First, define the 'end state' (i.e locals subdued, all natural resources on a slow boat to Bristol) and ensure that all strategy is directed toward achieving it. Then simply apply these in order to give the opposition a damn good thrashing (which is also a military term in Britain)

Concentration of Force

Make the best use of military power to achieve the commander's aims by overwhelming the enemy's military capacity. (i.e if you can gang up on a bloke do so...in fact actually plan to gang up on other people, chavs have this one nailed where I live and rarely enter into a dispute with anything less than an 8-1 advantage).

Chavs 'concentrating force' in preparation for future urban operations...

Economy of Effort

Make efficient use of forces, conserving energy and materiel to prevent unnecessary depletion. (This is IT! This is the dancer! Imagine my joy when this was read out to me by some keen young buck in Camoflage at the academy..I have lived by this mantra my hole life, that and the well know Spanish rule of ' Mañana').

This is the man..the living embodiment of the principle and a badger I respect immensely..Maintenance of Morale

Prevent one's own forces from losing the will to fight. (This is normally achieved using the stick and carrot when dealing with donkeys...for humans I have found cash works best and the threat of prison although loose women also have a role to play).

Offensive Action

Maintain operational tempo by attacking....... the enemy. (The Germans are the recognised masters of this principle but unfortunately also use it as a principle of peace....as the Poles and Belgians will readily testify.)

An example of the sort of diplomatic plan the Germans routinely draw up without telling their allies...

Flexibility

Be able to respond to unexpected changes or attacks and be able to modify one's plans accordingly. (I have found that this is easier to apply if you have not bothered to draw up plans in the first place..the glorious 'suck it and see' principle.)

Co-Operation

Ensure that the maritime, land and air components work in unison to achieve the end state. (The only way to achieve this in Britain will be to disband the Royal Air Force...an outcome I often campaign for, I consider Cub Scouts to be more disciplined outfit.)

Security.

Prevent the enemy from benefiting from lapses in operational security at all stages of the military process. (The best way to prevent this is to either not have any lapses or more securely do not go through any stages of the military process, interestingly Mr Lazy never gives much away...in the words of great fat man "He's so mauve, you never know what he's thinking..."

Surprise

Seize the initiative by attacking the enemy when, where and how he least expects it. (Dwarfs are particularly good at this due to their small stature, devious nature and clever use of 'Dwarf holes' which they use to 'lay up' hidden during the day. Their only weakness is they inherent lack of speed due to the previously discussed lack of knee joint mobility..without this handicap I am confident that they would rule the world...)

Sustainability

Support, fuel and guide forces to maintain operational capability. (This is where women, and in particular Mothers excel...without a Mothers ability to produce 'pack lunches', warmest kit and cartons of juice, many a brave expedition to the park or beach would have ended in Father inspired disaster.)

Point being, you can get awfully far following the Economy of Effort principle but it can evolve into the sort of inaction that results in bedsores.....

A pint of the black stuff

The other reason the blog collapsed over the yuletide period was due to this innocuous pint of black liquid. Innocent enough to the untrained eye it can be as lethal as crack in the hands of a smiling Irish barmaid with blazing red hair and eyes as green as a shamrock at dawn.
Known as a drink throughout most of the world it is considered a 'food' in Ireland and can be (there at least) used as a substitute for actual solid sustenance.

I tried this and discovered (much like the first time I got sunburnt in Greece) that just because something works for the locals this does not mean it will work particularly well for you.

The good folk of Eire may well be able to drink this gear like its ambrosia but I found my kidneys throbbing after only five days on the stuff, its hard to sit and write at a computer desk when it feels like a dwarf with a thorn in his toe (O' yes it happens to them as well as Lions) is going 'Joe Calzage' on your tenders.

This however, was not the real reason......

Land (Virus) of my Fathers

Well, my mother really, my Dad hailed from deepest Kent via Hounslow which I think is due to become a runway at Heathrow (Hounslow I mean, not Kent, Kent is destined to become part of France when the British side of Le Chunnel goes bust, I have read the small print).

Some of the more astute or regular readers of my prose will have noticed that I have not posted for a while. I have three main excuses only one of which really holds any water.

I have been ill..O' so ill, with a weird everlasting virus, a veritable Duracell of the cold family. I have a theory that it is partly my daughters fault that I was afflicted for so long.

I love to sleep and so does she (she is just under one), as luck would have it this creates a certain degree of synergy between us and we can oft be found curled up somewhere warm and dry easing the pain constant motion of modern living causes us (she cries when it is all to much I simply drink).

But, herein lies the problem, this time spent together proved dangerous and we were both ill, sequentially for over 6 weeks, the key word is sequentially...what I reckon happened is this, she caught this lurgy at nursery...these places are worse than Hospital wards in a blackout for harbouring nastiness...she passed it to me, I took it, ran with it, and as I defeated it, mutated it within me and was therefore able to repopulate her...as I recovered she went down..fought the bug but in the process another mutation occurred and the thing was thus able to re-inflict me..this process repeated itself and would have forever and ever but for the intervention of 'unauthorised' antibiotics ..these badgers broke the cycle and saw me and the little lass burst into the New Year fit as fiddles!

So this is excuse one, a brutal fight against a rapidly mutating super virus..although this seems at first glance a good excuse it was not the real reason...and that will wait for another post.