Expenses Scandal Rocks sleepy Devon home!

Folks

Despite a strong protest, a recent ruling made by around the dinner table that family spends should be open and transparent has been upheld and as a result I have had unprecedented access into the expenses incurred by my family.

For instance, it transpires that my spouse has been claiming over a £100 a time for 'essential hair treatment'. Now, despite a protest from my spouse that she was 'acting within the rules' as she saw them, I had to point out that whilst she may have wanted to have striking blond hair as part of her spousal look, it was in no way essential to her role that she do so, furthermore, whilst I did admit to being slightly taken by the 'blond bob' had I known the true cost I may have settled for a brunette -indeed, I may well have married a baldie.

Over £7.45 spend over a 5 week period on stickers! This from my eldest (and until now) most trusted son. When asked whether he thought that the stickers were necessary for him to fulfill his role as first son, he brazenly replied "At the time I thought it was, in hindsight, I may pay back any capital gains I may have made when swapping the stickers at cubs". Easy to say now you are bang to rights eh Son?

Should all this concern me or is it an overreaction?

Who knows....

PS - I am expecting a counter explosion when my weekend in London bill hits the public domain.....

Did I say that?

Not so long ago I am sure I swore that I would post more often, even if it meant the posts would be shorter and in some way (if possible) more banal than before..so here goes..

I literally only have 5 mins before I must go to the street to drink..this is not because I live in a poor area where my only access to clean water is the local standpipe, oh no, this is because I live in a rich area and we are allowed to..

No police enforcement zones for us in our little village, if you rough urban types are wondering how you can get the authorities to 'let up' and allow you to enjoy the pleasure of 'Al fresco' (outside a building) drinking with your neighbourhood buddies try not acting like a bunch of twats every Friday / Saturday night on the high street to start with, and then progress to making friends with your fellows living next door (making friends does not include playing your favourite shite record really loud for him all night, or 'gobbing off' as you arrive home late from crap pub).

Its not all daisies and roses for me mind you - its raining even as I speak and the mobile phone signal sucks...

The benefits of Ginger

Folks.. recently I was shocked when I was directed to this website..on this page the author states that...


"Ginger has long been renowned for its use in cooking and for its aromatic smell, but did you know that there are also many health benefits of ginger root such as curing nausea and helping with digestion."


I have several issues with this, as do. I am sure, alot of you out there. Lets look at Ginger...




I will agree that a ginger does indeed have an aromatic smell but I would not use it in cooking (although sugar puffs use it in their flavourings).


But the biggest shock came when I read that Gingers 'CURE' nausea and HELP with digestion. At my school Gingers were banned from the dining hall until the other kids had left because they induced nausea and did the polar opposite of helping digestion (which I think is a hinder).

In fact Gingers have always induced Nausea within thehog. However I recently seem to have involved another wholly unexpected of response to a Ginger..

I saw this and was sick with lust....sick I tell you

Amazing Weight Gain / Loss

I have evolved the ability to put on a massive amount of weight and then lose it again really quickly..

There must be a gap in the pantheon of superheroes for someone with this ability...someone who could for instance..fit through a gap one day, be unable to squeeze through the next before popping through quite easily on the third day. I could serve alongside that Electra chick as a dashing stretch-marked sidekick.

Here she is in all her glory...

Oh, silly me, that is just a cartoon, I have just been informed (by ESP) that that is not the right Electra...this is the right one...

And here she is again, having had the benefit of living life for a weekend with her faithful sidekick -'Slimofat Hog'

And now a test....

Can you guess the link?

How do I do this amazing thing you cry?...

I use beer. By simply drinking 10 (rough figure) pints of good honest ale (and maybe the odd beer snack) the other day I increased my body weight OVERNIGHT from 74 to 78 kg...and before you suggest water retention, I performed the weigh-in fully dehydrated having just produced a thick yellow stream that the honey monster would have been proud of. (he of sugar puff fame..don't get it? Simply do not drink for a day whilst exercising and then collect some of your wee...open a pack of sugar puffs...smell both....).

Then, despite eating normally and doing nothing at night except rolling around in bed moaning as a sickly cold sweat poured from my body.....hey presto by morning the weight had gone?

I am talking about 5.5 % of my body weight here people, just appearing and disappearing at the slightest drop of a few pints...

If there are any doctors out there who can help I would love an answer...