Nothing in Nature is Black

Back in the day, the hog attended a military training course run, by 'Royal'. These Royal Marines, to give them their full title, are widely regarded as the finest infantry on the planet.

I was volunteered to join this bunch of killers in a support role (fixing stuff when it broke) but was expected to prove my worth.

Anyhow to cut what could be an exceptionally long 'Dit' short (Dit: meaning to tell a tale, a story). Royal were training us in the various military arts and today it was camouflage (the art of not being seen). A stocky heavily moustached corporal was leading the lesson. Being Royal, the lesson was being conducted outside, sitting in a leafy wood in a light drizzle, we were shivering softly to ourselves as we listened intently.

You had to be very careful on this particular course with your listening and actions, any perceived slight or failing on the part of the course (approx 100 folk) would be met with a barrage of abuse, often a lot of needless running and quite probably a significant amount of press-ups. Press-up are fun with the Royal Marines because instead of just giving you press-ups there is a routine to follow:

Nasty looking man with a green hat " Front support position, PLACE!!"

At this point all the volunteers on the course adopt the standard 'press-up position. Note: This is adopted despite the terrain, which could be anything from a concrete road, a puddle, a muddy estuary or most disappointing of all, gorse bushes (not normal gorse bushes of course, but ones that have been chemically treated to produce a skin eating rash - that's another story).

Nasty "Arms A-Bender!!!"

Volunteers all bend arms and remain in the press-up 'down' position. Which, if the area is underwater can be frustrating.

Nasty " Stretcher!!!"

Volunteers, who by now are becoming a little self reflective on the whole volunteering issue, Stretch their arms back to the original position.

This then carries on until the group is suitably contrite for whatever misdemeanor has been inadvertently committed.

I digress, back to the lesson - we were given the standard introduction and then the lesson began. This particular Corporal decided to start the lesson with a description of the colours appropriate for military ops...to back up one of his 'claims' about not wearing black clothes he made the statement:

"Nothing in nature is black"

We all murmured in approval as was expected (we were to either murmur in approval or shout "YES STAFF" at the top of our voices depending on circumstance). The talk carried on but the statement was eating away at me. I had accepted a lot of information on this course but this one truth was a truth too far...I raised a tentative hand.

"Yes" said he with a menacing wriggle of his (black) moustache

"With regard you comment that made reference to the colour of nature, What about seals? I mean, I was just wondering and..."

"They are Grey"

" Oh yes, how silly of me, sorry, and Crows?"

Well, I ....not exactly black are they?"

"Blackbirds?" (a master stroke)

"Hmmmmmm"

The course then became emboldened, from the back came "What about Tiger stripes!" Another chimed in "Or zebras, and that's part of their camouflage!"

The course smelled blood as the Corporal struggled to wrestle Royals opinion (for which he would lay down his life) with our empirical observations, attempting to push him our way the course erupted -

"Ants! Coal! Beatles! Coughs! Black Panthers! The Black Mamba, Killer whales! Badgers! Black Widow! Gorilla! Bats! Black Swan! Black Cat!.....etc...."

The Corporal called for silence, a stood there dealing internally with what he had heard..he made a decision and smiled....

"FRONT SUPPORT POSITION PLACE!!!!! ARMS-A-BENDER!!!!"

To this day I still believe nothing in nature is black.

A selection of colourful non-black creatures which can still be found in nature to this day: