Flying Fatman tries to kill the hog

The Hog has evolved into a man who cycles..I am one of those rare beasts you see flashing past your steamy windows on a wet winter morning festooned in day-glow yellow and flashing lights..

I cycle for a variety of reasons, some fitness based, others historical, whatever the reason I pay particular interest in trying to stay alive....

I was almost 'taken out' one day by a fat smoking person in an old Granada. And by 'taken-out' I mean 'crushed lifeless beneath the wheels '.

I was cruising along, minding my way, when enter stage right came a fast moving fat smoking person on wheels . And when I say smoking, I do in no way mean it like this....

Monica Bellucci - smoking, hot, agreeable - nice.

But much more like this..

Yes, I mean proper smoking, minging, coughing, wheezing as you drive when you should be watching where the **** you are going..

And when I say fat, I do not mean this....

Cute, chubby in a fun way, huggable..

I mean this....

Sickeningly pale, cheesy and ever so slightly Germanic (I think its the facial hair) .

Anyways, the person, who to all intents and purposes appeared to have had the Ford Granada constructed around their frame (no obvious way 'bean boy' could have left the car by the doors, maybe a removable roof and crane arrangement at his lair), entered my 'space' at about 40 mph without even a sideways glance.

Now my space in this instance was about 12 inches and it was clear that 'bean boy' had not seen me as we approached a pinch point in the road.....How he did not see me is unclear, as I have said, I light myself up like a comet when traversing the roads of England, I can only assume that his withered neck muscles were unable to shift his huge bloated head and that his beady little eyes could not see past his fleshy red cheeks.

I was forced to take action to prevent hospitalisation and this I did by hammering on the near side passenger window with my shiny black gloves whilst simultaneously hurling abuse and panicking (nothing like a multi-task). This combination of visual and oral stimuli managed to reach 'bean boys' brain and after a quick glance in my direction he....did nothing, I on the other hand had a minor crash.

The flying fat man sped off to eat children. If you are a child and see him...Run!! He will look something like this...

Note - Artists impression from my description...

My observations from this?

1. Ford make a sturdy car.

2. Drivers should be banned from smoking (if nothing else it just enraged me more)

3. How did he get that fat so quickly? He can't have been more that 30 years old.

One possible answer to question 3 came, funnily enough on a recent trip to the States (see earlier blog entry). Should you ever go to Walt Disney's world you will be able to hire a little pushchair for you infant (stroller they call them), or if you need it, a quite substantial pushchair for your growing fat kid.

Now, for our kids the policy was simple (stand-fast Scarlett - 8 months), if you are too tired to walk, you are too tired for Disney and its home time. Worked a treat.

However, the sheer amount of 10 -14 year old kids being pushed around in those strollers by sweating parents beggared belief, giant children barely able to squeeze into a double stroller squealed orders at their parents in between sips from giant vats of coke...I shit you not.

A quick bit of math tells me that 'Bean' had visited Disney at age 11, stayed for 6 days and was banned for trying to take a bite out of Pete's Dragon.